why is it that they always put the produce section in the front of the grocery store so that as you are meandering through it, by the time you get to the checkout your delicately plucked head of lettuce has been squashed by boxes bags cartons containers packages cups cans and those little tubs of hagen daaz ice cream? why? dooshite?

One theory could be that most of the time people are running in for just some celery or lettuce or something. Bah. I go right for the hairspray. Besides, you have to be continually rearranging your cart so you don't squash the stuff put in first, which is generally the most squashable.

And theres the cold factor -- note that the coldest areas of the store -- vegetables and meats -- are the first ones you have to go through. Summer or winter, this sucks!! in the summer it's way too damn cold even if it's a million degrees outside. and then in winter, i just walked out of the damn blizzard!! I don't wanna have to suffer through another freaking blizzard!! Gimme some HEAT!!

Maybe it's because the produce might be the more expensive items to stock? as in, they have to ship and carry and water and fluff them and it's time consuming and stupid. So maybe they think that as people are just coming in, they'll be all uuber impressed with the fluffy-ness of the broccoli and buy some.

But what if a mad gun-toting terrorist decided to run in the grocery store and start shooting people? This is where the ingenuity of planning comes into play. Now -- the terrorist will have to come in the front door, since the little electronic eye on the exit door won't open for him. So his first act of terror will be committed in the produce section.

In the produce section, there are ALWAYS the following: a] lots of little islands carrying all sorts of random shit, and they're always stacked up in little towers or pyramids of tomates and stuff. These are good for hiding behind, plus the tomatoes would make a huge mess which the terrorist would slip on or maybe he would just see all the pulp and think he killed you so he'll move on.

b] a really old fat lady picking through the produce, looking for the freshest/brightest/pulpiest thingy she can find. also something good to hide behind.

c] a big giant produce cart: you know what i'm talking about. They're these big bins that the workers drag out of the little back room and they're ful of produce and the poor stockboys seemingly stand there all day loading or unloading apples in or out of these things. They don't really seem to do much else. Anyways, you could hide in there from the terrorists.

d] a mop and bucket. Come on. you have tomatoes standing free, and lots of little sproglets running around. the produce section is ALWAYS mopping up some spill or another. The point here is that if you're one of those people who likes to stand up to terrorists as a hobby, you could take the mop and ram it up his nasal cavity.

What am i getting at here? The point is that the terrorist will be so busy trying to kill the people in the produce section that by the time he hunts them all down from behind their little hidey-holes in the watermelon bin, the rest of the shoppers [who are shopping in long aisles where they are easier to hit] will have either swallowed so many pills in the unguarded pharmacy secion that they don't care if they die, or will have sproinked the hell outta there.

So if you want to confuse a terrorist, always keep a tomatoe in your pocket, a mop in your hand, and a better handgun than he's carrying in your holster.

-shuu

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THE JUSTICE HOLE; STANDBY FOR SUPER CREDITS -

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